


This Is So Not Protocol

by chillpills



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Space AU, liam likes wall charts, louis is self-conscious about his hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 23:27:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/919285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chillpills/pseuds/chillpills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis just got assigned to a new planet and he's got a bit of a thing for the resident android.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is So Not Protocol

**Author's Note:**

> erm, so, this is silly. 
> 
> i'm posting from a smartphone so there are likely mistakes, oops! will fix those as soon as i can.

When Louis first flies to Outpost Eleven after his spectacular failure at his last assignment – which, really, who assigns someone to head of a department right after they’ve graduated, no matter how high their marks are – he’s expecting, perhaps a bit unrealistically, a building full of hard-working but down-on-their-luck scientists who just haven't found their stride yet and need someone to get them out of their slump and make their Outpost the best Outpost in the galaxy. Essentially, We Are Marshall, with Louis as Matt McConaughey. Possibly Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society. Either way. That kind of thing was what Louis is prepared for, what he’d studied social psychology and public relations for. (He was a bit indecisive when he applied to the Fleet Academy and then somehow never changed either of them.) He knows what makes people tick and he knows people like him and if he's going to be sent off to some ridiculously backwards planet to keep a bunch of scientists in glasses in line, he's going to keep his cool and make the most of it. So it is a little embarrassing when he gets to the airstrip and the gorgeous guy meeting him says, “Hello, I’m Liam, I’m the resident android,” and Louis’ immediate response is, “all your parts in order, I’m sure?” and a wink.

In his own defense, Louis has never met an android who wasn’t dry and dull and had skin the color of a faded cotillion dress, so excuse him if he treats Liam like a human because that’s what he looks like. Liam gives him this funny little look and doesn't respond and Louis decides that was probably for the best, anyway, and then they make it back to the Outpost which is of course nothing like a John Hughes underdog movie and is actually fairly lively, and well. He decides he likes Outpost Eleven well enough immediately, and more so when the scientist blokes (he’ll learn their names later) take him down a dirt road to the only bar on this hemisphere and get him spectacularly drunk on his first night. He spares only a passing thought that this might be the kind of thing he was sent to stop.

Turns out there are four more officers at Outpost Eleven besides Liam: there's Harry, Niall, and Zayn, and there's Nick, who slumps around in the back rooms by himself and nearly gave Louis a heart attack the first time he met him, wearing an old-fashioned gas mask and not much else. That was almost a week after he'd moved in and when Louis asks Niall about him Niall just shrugs and says, "he's a bit weird," and goes back to writing down equations. Nick seems to be the anomaly, though - the others are a fairly normal bunch and Louis adjusts quickly despite having already seen Harry naked twice. His bedroom's not even in the same wing as Harry's.

And Louis loves his room. He gets his own this time, which is a step up from Department Head on Outpost Four, though Zayn says it's just because they can hardly even bribe anyone to work out there. Not that he minds, Zayn mentions, casually but a little too quickly. It's nice with just the six of them. Louis' rather inclined to agree. He lives for community, thrives on human interaction, but six is a good number, indeed.

Liam comes to him one day when he's writing new personnel questionnaires - who wrote these in the first place, they're not even asking for known alien allergies, what is this, the 22nd century? - and asks if he can have Louis' number for his comm for when he takes his day off. Louis nods absently and scribbles it on a corner of a napkin from lunch and doesn't think of it again.

"Where's Liam?" Louis asks in the mess hall a few days later. "I can't find him anywhere, I need him to send out these new data sheets."

"Day off," Harry says around a bite of toast.

Louis frowns. "We don't get days off."

"We don't," says Niall. "Liam does. Android things." He says it like it's no big deal and the others look similarly unaffected. Louis puts his hands on his hips and huffs.

"He has work to do."

Harry shrugs. "He'll be back in a few hours. You could comm him, if you need."

"I don't have his comm number," Louis says testily, which is a lie because he's actually got everyone's comm numbers in their files on his pad. He sniffs and turns on his heel out of the mess.

When Liam gets back he grins dopily at Louis and Louis tries his best to look put out even though he realizes he really can't hold out against Liam's anything face. "You didn't tell me you were going out," he says, sounding like his mother when he broke curfew in high school.

"It's on the wall chart," Liam says, eyebrows creasing in confusion.

"Wall chart?"

Liam's eyes light up and Louis is afraid this is turning into a Teaching Moment like every time he asked his grade school teacher where the bathroom was. "None of the guys showed you the wall chart?" Liam says, smiling. He grabs Louis' hand. "I'll show you."

It's several hours later when Louis flops into a chair beside Zayn's desk. "Whose stupid idea was a wall chart anyway?" he asks. "It's useless when we've got calendars on our pads."

"Only Liam uses it," Zayn says. He looks up from his computer screen. "Something about humans being tactile creatures."

"What a weirdo," says Louis.

Zayn laughs softly and motions to Louis' hand. "Hurt yourself?"

Louis blinks and stares down at where he's rubbing his thumb over the spot where Liam's had been earlier. That's. Weird. He drops both hands and sticks them under his thighs. "Think you could help me out with the filing later?"

"That's Harry's job," says Zayn, and Harry jerks his head up, startled.

"Great!" Louis says, jumping up. "Come on, Harry!"

Weeks go by fairly fast at Outpost Eleven. It's nowhere near as fast-paced as his last job, and the fact that he's on an alien planet really does nothing to make Louis' title of personnel manager any more exciting, but still, life moves along in days of researching and nights of barhopping. By which Louis means hopping into Niall's ridiculous Land Rover and going out to that first bar they took him to. There are some other scientists there and some natives, and Louis may or may not be being a horrible example of the Fleet's HR department by getting drunk off his ass more often than not. But it's okay, because Liam can't get drunk, and he always gets them back safe. Louis isn't sure when he became so trusting of the Resident Android; he tries not to think about it too much. He also tries not to think about the way Liam's eyes crinkle up when he smiles at Harry's stupid joke or the way his perfect android arms look when they flex on the bar table.

Obviously Louis is not nearly drunk enough tonight. He slides his way out of his chair - his feet don't reach the floor, what even, he's not that short - and makes his way to the bar. Zayn is chatting up a girl from Outpost Ten, on the other side of the mountain range, and Louis is feeling generous enough not to cite regulations at them. He will if he sees any marks in the morning because he's going to have the most fantastic hangover.

Louis hikes a leg up onto a bar stool and scrambles up. Fucking gigantor aliens. He blushes at his own culturally insensitive thoughts and orders a shot. The bartender nods and smiles, big alien eyes tracking something behind his shoulder, but before Louis can turn to see, Harry's leaning on him heavily.

"I have a sort of confession to make," he says into Louis' ear.

"Unless you're telling me you're sleeping with Nick I don't care right now," Louis says, taking the shot the bartender slides over. He downs it and almost misses Harry mumbling "well, um, yes."

Louis winces at the burn in his throat and peers at Harry. "Yes what?"

"Nick and I are sleeping together," Harry says, biting on his lower lip.

Louis groans. "Can't this wait til morning?"

"Well, I mean, the handbook says we're supposed to notify you as soon as a relationship changes, and, well, this was as soon as I could - "

"Oh my god," Louis says. "Not right after you do the deed, you dirty wanker." Harry is incredibly earnest about his job and it's nice, except when it isn't. Louis drops down from the bar. He's going to need to get home now if he wants to remember all the people he needs to shout at in the morning.

A shipment of supplies comes in a few weeks later and Liam nicely reminds them all that no one's signed up on the wall chart to go get it; then somehow it's decided that Louis' the only one with a job unimportant enough to go help Liam with it - "thanks very much, Harold, remember I know your sexual history in detail" - so Louis drives the outpost truck and Liam sits beside him and watches him. It's a little unnerving, even though Louis is used to it from Academy - he knows he's attractive, he's god damn pretty, but. Androids and staring and all. So he blabbers about his family back on earth to distract himself and Liam nods agreeably and hums in all the right places. Before he knows it Louis' lifting the last box from the airstrip into the truck and Liam' smiling and climbing back into the front seat to head back.

"You've got very nice hands," he says conversationally as Louis climbs in beside him. Louis snorts and starts the car.

"They're like girl's hands," he says. He isn't pouting. At all.

"No," Liam says, shaking his head, "they're delicate but they're very manly."

Louis blushes furiously and hates himself for it. "You're a weird droid," he says. Professor Cowell is shouting at him about cultural awareness, but. He didn't do very well in that class.

Liam doesn't seem to notice or care. "I was a prototype," he says, brightly. "To see just how human they could make me."

"Oh?" Louis says because it's the only non-dirty and personal thing he can think to ask. Oops.

"Mmhmm," Liam says. "I can show you my file some time."

"I'll put it on the wall chart," Louis mutters, and ignores the way Liam's face lights up like he's been told it's android Christmas.

A few days later they're at the bar again, all of them - Harry and Nick have slunk off into some dark corner to mutually appreciate public nudity and Zayn is apparently still hoping to get lucky with the Outpost Ten scientist and Niall is, well, somewhere where the beer is free-flowing, which means Louis is alone at the booth with Liam. And like. It's totally stupid and childish and romantic comedyesque, but Louis really, really likes being alone with Liam, despite his tendency to point out Louis' carpometacarpal insecurities. He clears his throat. 

"Erm," he begins eloquently. Liam smiles at him. What a - Louis smiles back. "You said you were made to be ask human as possible, right?"

Liam nods enthusiastically. "Yeah! All the parts and everything!"

Louis stops his current train of thought before it can leave the station. One step at a time, Tommo. "So you uh, you have all the emotions and everthing."

Liam blinks at him, face blank, and says, "That does not compute."

Louis just stares at him, mouth hanging open, until he sees the corner of Liam's mouth quirking up, and then he leans over and punches his arm. "Bastard," he says, and Liam giggles. Why is there not more alcohol on the table, is what Louis would like to know, but his mouth keeps moving on its own. "So do you like. Have you ever liked a girl?" he sounds like Mandy Moore. He wants to shoot his own foot. Maybe Liam won't understand and he can brush the whole thing off and move on.

"Yep," Liam says immediately, and now Louis wants to shoot his own dainty little hands off. "Long time ago. She was nice." He stares off a little dreamily. "Girls are really nice."

Louis shifts uncomfortably at the thought of an android appreciating the finer, softer, sexier things in life and grunts. "Ever liked a boy?" he says, but he totally isn't hopeful for anything. Um.

"Oh, yeah," Liam says agreeably. Forget it. Skip the appendages, Louis just wants to die right now. He runs a hand down his face and says he thinks they better pack up the gang and goes to pay the tab. Liam's forhead crinkles but he doesn't say anything.

Harry notices he's acting weird the next week because of course he does. Louis looked at his file when he moved in; the kid's empathy ratings were off the chart. He glowers at Harry and tries to silently get him to piss right off. Which he doesn't. Harry just frowns at him sadly and says, "why are you so grumpy?"

"I'm not grumpy," Louis snaps. He's maybe a little put out because of that girl researcher who came in the other day and flirted mercilessly with Liam. But only because it would mess with Liam's work.

"Whatever," Harry says, scooching his chair over so he can wrap his ridiculous arms around Louis' shoulders."What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Lou." And Louis should probably not let the lads call him by his nickname, protocol and all that. He's not very good at enforcing that sort of thing.

"Full time work is hard," he says, knowing full well it won't deceive Harry.

Harry flicks his hair out of his eyes and unwraps himself from Louis, but only in order to walk around him and drop into his lap, which is also definitely not protocol. Louis' traitorous hands don't seem to know this and pull Harry closer. Stupid hands. 

"I think you're lonely," says Harry, thoughtfully. He brushes one finger down Louis' nose. "We can find someone for you!"

"I've got you, what else could I want?" Louis says lightly, the relaxing effects of Too Much Physical Affection From Harry already kicking in.

Harry scoffs. "No, like, someone to get off with."

Louis scowls again but blushes and Harry laughs delightedly and says, "so there's someone you've got your eye on then?"

"Shut up."

"No, no!" Harry says excitedly, practically bouncing, "please tell me you're pining and you're going to do something dramatic and romantic, that's my favorite!"

Louis thinks that if when he graduated he knew what kind of children he'd be working with in Outer Space he might have actually applied for positions earthside. There is no possible way he is getting out of this unembarassed, so he shoves Harry off of his lap unceremoniously and stalks out to go yell at Niall about dress codes again. He does not pine.

Yet three weeks later, Louis is hiding in his room. No, he's not hiding. He's just. Utilizing a different work space. Last night has nothing to do with it. Well, it does a little. They'd been playing Never Have I Ever - totally immature game for Fleet officers if you ask Louis - and Niall had said "never have I ever thought of shagging someone in this room," and because Louis was already a bit sloshed he'd laughed and put a finger down and taken a shot even though it had clearly been meant to get Harry and Nick. Zayn hasn't stopped giving him shit since.

Niall knocks on the door and then comes in anyway even though Louis thought he'd pretty clearly yelled,"go away, you tosser!" at the door. Niall kicks his foot. "You're shit at being HR," he says.

Louis glares up at him and gestures to the paperwork spread on the floor around him. "Excuse you," he says huffily.

Niall rolls his eyes. "You know he put his finger down too, you can stop hiding."

"What?" Louis squeaks, a little hysterical. "Who? You mean Zayn? Hah! I bet he did, dirty old wanker, maybe you should be afraid of him, Niall, what do you say to that?"

"You're a bloody idiot," says Niall. "I mean Leee-um. So stop beating around the bush."

"Maybe Zayn's the one who needs to stop beating!" Louis calls as Niall leaves, but he feels a stupid thrill knowing that Liam has thought of shagging someone, and it gives him the energy to pull himself out to the main office.

"Liam?" he says, uncertain again as soon as he sees him. 

Liam smiles blindingly up at him. Ah, jesus christ.

"I, uh, I mean, Niall said maybe I should talk to you, and look, if you don't feel it it's okay, and I know it's also not really in the rules but we never pay attention to them anyway, I'm sort of shit at my job, really - anyway the point is, I sort of like you and want to kiss you which I shouldn't have just said but there it is, take it or leave it, you can say anything, any time now - "

"Okay," Liam says, standing up and still grinning at him. He moves closer, carefully, and wraps one of his big bear hands around Louis' precious pixie one and leans down and Louis, for not the first time but for first blindingly clear reason, is really extremely glad he got transferred to Outpost Eleven.

Until he sees the wall chart.

"Liam!" he shouts as he storms into the mess one morning. "You need to get rid of the wall chart."

Liam's face falls and he frowns at him in confusion. "But that's how I keep track of our - "

"It doesn't matter!" Louis shrieks, painfully aware of five sets of eyes on him as he clamps his hand over Liam's mouth. "Use your pad!"

"What's on the wall chart?" Zayn asks, smirking. Louis would like to slap him but his hands are occupied.

"I'm going to go see," Niall announces, already half out of the room. The rest of the guys jump up and follow after despite Louis threatening to mess with their refefences file and he slumps down into a chair and hides his face in his arms. He gets no respect in this place. Liam rubs his back sympathetically. 

"Awww," Harry's voice echoes from down the hallway, "scheduled date nights just like a proper married couple."

Louis glares at Liam with one eye and Liam looks a little bit apologetic. "I'm not getting rid of it," he says, and Louis gives up, because if he's going to be out here for the long haul - because he totally is, he wouldn't take an assignment on the moon right now if someone offered - he's going to have to live with the wall chart.

"Maybe we can get Harry and Nick to use it too," Liam suggests, and Louis sits up and grabs his stupid android face with his tiny human hands and kisses him because, well, because androids are people too, and this one is all his.


End file.
